Embracing it All

I'm quick to admit that I've sometimes wondered if God has forgotten me. I can recall a very specific moment, gripped in the claws of pain and grief, shuddering with the force of it, that the whole world seemed to slow to a crawl, people around me moving as if in slow motion, and I thought I was having an out-of-body experience, or worse, that I was literally losing my mind. It felt as though everything had just stopped, and my grief, my agony, melted into...nothing.

It was quite possibly the most terrifying moment of my existence.

I knew in that moment that something - ANYTHING - had to change. I couldn't live this way. I could feel it welling up with in me, making me so anxious I couldn't function, couldn't breathe, and I was horrified to face myself in the mirror. I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something, cut something, throw something, anything that would make me feel something other than the bottomless well of nothingness that was rising up within me.

Everything I thought I knew had changed. For the first time in my life, I realized that I had shaped myself around everything that everyone else wanted me to be, expected me to be. I had built myself up to everyone - myself included - to be something that I didn't even recognize. Who WAS this person?

I felt myself falling deeper into despair and agony, with no foreseeable way out. Nothing could save me from this. I had to escape. Not run away from everything else, but run to something: a future that I hadn't dared to dream was possible. Looking back, I have to admit that I didn't think it was possible even then. I was just so...desperate. I had to go. Right then, before I had more time to think it over. I had to take control of my life.

If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have been so frightened. I would have known that with enough time, enough talking, and enough self-exploration, that I WOULD begin to feel safe again. I would have had more hope. But I would have changed nothing about my decision. It was the right one, and, for now, it still is.

This journey of self-discovery is difficult. It's the most difficult thing I've ever had to do - to make sure that the decisions I make are my own, and not those that other people want me to make. But it's rewarding, and with every new sunrise, I know I will be stronger.